Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*

The Last Temptation of Homer

No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems. I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!

• I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!
• Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.
• Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?
• Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show

Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. Thank you, steal again. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show

Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face! Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me? I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.

1. I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!
2. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?

Hurricane Neddy

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish! Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours. Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love! Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.

Rosebud

Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love! I hope I didn’t brain my damage. We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy. Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish! Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer? Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box…

• You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
• Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.
• Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.

A Fish Called Selma

Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Jesus must be spinning in his grave! I prefer a vehicle that doesn’t hurt Mother Earth. It’s a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.

The Last Temptation of Homer

Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer? Oh, so they have Internet on computers now! Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*

1. No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
2. A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
3. He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?!

Hurricane Neddy

Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours. What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man? Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2. A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice.

Let’s Give the Boy a Hand

I’m real proud of you for coming, bro. I know you hate funerals. Watching ice melt. This is fun. Like a sloth. I can do that.

• Somehow, I doubt that. You have a good heart, Dexter.
• I’m a sociopath; there’s not much he can do for me.

Slack Tide

I’m not the monster he wants me to be. So I’m neither man nor beast. I’m something new entirely. With my own set of rules. I’m Dexter. Boo. You look…perfect. I am not a killer. Tonight’s the night. And it’s going to happen again and again. It has to happen. I’m doing mental jumping jacks.

Seeing Red

Under normal circumstances, I’d take that as a compliment. Rorschach would say you have a hard time relating to others. I’ve lived in darkness a long time. Over the years my eyes adjusted until the dark became my world and I could see. Tell him time is of the essence.

1. Under normal circumstances, I’d take that as a compliment.
2. Finding a needle in a haystack isn’t hard when every straw is computerized.
3. I’m not the monster he wants me to be. So I’m neither man nor beast. I’m something new entirely. With my own set of rules. I’m Dexter. Boo.

Hello Bandit

I’m partial to air conditioning. He taught me a code. To survive. I feel like a jigsaw puzzle missing a piece. And I’m not even sure what the picture should be. Keep your mind limber.

Dex, Lies, and Videotape

I’m partial to air conditioning. I’m not the monster he wants me to be. So I’m neither man nor beast. I’m something new entirely. With my own set of rules. I’m Dexter. Boo. Oh I beg to differ, I think we have a lot to discuss. After all, you are a client. I’m not the monster he wants me to be. So I’m neither man nor beast. I’m something new entirely. With my own set of rules. I’m Dexter. Boo. I’m thinking two circus clowns dancing. You?

• I’m really more an apartment person.
• I’m thinking two circus clowns dancing. You?

Let’s Give the Boy a Hand

I’m a sociopath; there’s not much he can do for me. I’m partial to air conditioning. He taught me a code. To survive. Pretend. You pretend the feelings are there, for the world, for the people around you. Who knows? Maybe one day they will be. I am not a killer.

Living the Dream

Keep your mind limber. I have a dark side, too. I’m Dexter, and I’m not sure what I am. This man is a knight in shining armor. Finding a needle in a haystack isn’t hard when every straw is computerized. Hello, Dexter Morgan.

1. He taught me a code. To survive.
2. I’m Dexter, and I’m not sure what I am.
3. Hello, Dexter Morgan.

Do You Take Morgan?

You’re a killer. I catch killers. Somehow, I doubt that. You have a good heart, Dexter. Watching ice melt. This is fun. You look…perfect. I’m real proud of you for coming, bro. I know you hate funerals. I am not a killer.

The Next Doctor

Sorry, checking all the water in this area; there’s an escaped fish. *Insistently* Bow ties are cool! Come on Amy, I’m a normal bloke, tell me what normal blokes do! Did I mention we have comfy chairs? It’s a fez. I wear a fez now. Fezes are cool. Did I mention we have comfy chairs?

• I am the Doctor, and you are the Daleks!
• Did I mention we have comfy chairs?
• Aw, you’re all Mr. Grumpy Face today.
• Annihilate? No. No violence. I won’t stand for it. Not now, not ever, do you understand me?! I’m the Doctor, the Oncoming Storm – and you basically meant beat them in a football match, didn’t you?
• I hate yogurt. It’s just stuff with bits in.

Cold Blood

Aw, you’re all Mr. Grumpy Face today. No, I’ll fix it. I’m good at fixing rot. Call me the Rotmeister. No, I’m the Doctor. Don’t call me the Rotmeister. Saving the world with meals on wheels.

Amy’s Choice

I am the last of my species, and I know how that weighs on the heart so don’t lie to me! I’m the Doctor. Well, they call me the Doctor. I don’t know why. I call me the Doctor too. I still don’t know why. Stop talking, brain thinking. Hush. Annihilate? No. No violence. I won’t stand for it. Not now, not ever, do you understand me?! I’m the Doctor, the Oncoming Storm – and you basically meant beat them in a football match, didn’t you? No… It’s a thing; it’s like a plan, but with more greatness. No, I’ll fix it. I’m good at fixing rot. Call me the Rotmeister. No, I’m the Doctor. Don’t call me the Rotmeister.

1. The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things.…hey.…the good things don’t always soften the bad things; but vice-versa the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.
2. It’s art! A statement on modern society, ‘Oh Ain’t Modern Society Awful?’!
3. You’ve swallowed a planet!
4. Did I mention we have comfy chairs?

The Lodger

I hate yogurt. It’s just stuff with bits in. You’ve swallowed a planet! I am the last of my species, and I know how that weighs on the heart so don’t lie to me! Saving the world with meals on wheels. Did I mention we have comfy chairs?

Mr. F

Whoa, this guy’s straight? Well, what do you expect, mother? I’ve opened a door here that I regret. There’s so many poorly chosen words in that sentence. Say goodbye to these, because it’s the last time!

• Michael!
• We just call it a sausage.
• Bad news. Andy Griffith turned us down. He didn’t like his trailer.
• Bad news. Andy Griffith turned us down. He didn’t like his trailer.

Ready, Aim, Marry Me

Oh, you’re gonna be in a coma, all right. Army had half a day. Now, when you do this without getting punched in the chest, you’ll have more fun. Well, what do you expect, mother? But I bought a yearbook ad from you, doesn’t that mean anything anymore? Steve Holt!

Exit Strategy

Steve Holt! Marry me. No! I was ashamed to be SEEN with you. I like being with you. Marry me.

1. I don’t understand the question, and I won’t respond to it.
2. He’ll want to use your yacht, and I don’t want this thing smelling like fish.
3. That’s why you always leave a note!

Let ‘Em Eat Cake

I’m half machine. I’m a monster. That’s what it said on ‘Ask Jeeves.’ What’s Spanish for “I know you speak English?” I’m a monster.

The Honking

And remember, don’t do anything that affects anything, unless it turns out you were supposed to, in which case, for the love of God, don’t not do it! Is today’s hectic lifestyle making you tense and impatient? Calculon is gonna kill us and it’s all everybody else’s fault! It’s okay, Bender. I like cooking too. Good news, everyone! There’s a report on TV with some very bad news! I guess because my parents keep telling me to be more ladylike. As though!

• For example, if you killed your grandfather, you’d cease to exist!
• I don’t ‘need’ to drink. I can quit anytime I want!
• No. We’re on the top.
• Our love isn’t any different from yours, except it’s hotter, because I’m involved.

The Why of Fry

Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money! Bender, I didn’t know you liked cooking. That’s so cute. You’ve killed me! Oh, you’ve killed me!

I Dated a Robot

You wouldn’t. Ask anyway! You guys go on without me! I’m going to go… look for more stuff to steal! Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes! We have bigger problems. And yet you haven’t said what I told you to say! How can any of us trust you? For example, if you killed your grandfather, you’d cease to exist!

1. But I know you in the future. I cleaned your poop.
2. You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from intestinal parasites?
3. Would you censor the Venus de Venus just because you can see her spewers?
4. Dear God, they’ll be killed on our doorstep! And there’s no trash pickup until January 3rd.
5. Fetal stemcells, aren’t those controversial?

Less Than Hero

I don’t ‘need’ to drink. I can quit anytime I want! Isn’t it true that you have been paid for your testimony? Perhaps, but perhaps your civilization is merely the sewer of an even greater society above you! I meant ‘physically’. Look, perhaps you could let me work for a little food? I could clean the floors or paint a fence, or service you sexually? And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who’s gone to a place where I, too, hope one day to go. The toilet.